"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
