I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just googled if crying burns calories
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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