Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's never too late to be topless.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
