do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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