now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
someone owes me an orgasm
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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