im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
