there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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