If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
