i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
