also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
