He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have feelings that need drinking.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
