i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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