She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
