every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
