so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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