One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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