No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
