apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
