I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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