I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
