call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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