last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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