I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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