So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize