Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We are two peas in an std pod
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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