Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
