So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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