You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
