3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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