Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
