so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
