i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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