Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
