So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Your penis caused this!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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