I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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