Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
