Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think a kid would responsible me up
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have fence marks all over my body
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
