forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
