we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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