Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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