question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
