if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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