What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
