Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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