Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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