Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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