he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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