On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
