i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How many fucks given?
0.12846
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
