I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
