"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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