Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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