Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
