May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
