The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
