I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
