alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
