I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
