You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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