my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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