im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
