Your face is a jimmy john
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize