I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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