his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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