I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
