Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
