Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
