new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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