Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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