I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
