no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
