My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
