I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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