he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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